In the past 12 years I have only dated twice. Both of which resulted in two wonderful additions to my family and in the same breath, both disastrous relationships that were over before they had even begun – such as life. For the past 5 years give or take a few months, I have remained elusive within the dating field.
In the beginning I guess you could blame a series of misfortunate events that at the time were beyond my control but I think I grew accustomed to my cool and shrewd belief that I could quite happily go through the rest of my life without the bother of yet another lying toerag to drag me into the dark abyss.
I have been told by many a family and friend that I have a “swinging brick for a heart” and I would always reply with a cheeky smile and a hearty “thank you ” as I relished in the fact that I prided myself on my cold exterior. I felt invisible, wrapped up in my own little bubble, fully reinforced with years of hatred towards any male within a 250 mile radius.
It was my way of coping and it served me well over the years but little did I know that a short trip to Belfast to see The Script and a supposed relaxing holiday in Alcudia would awaken an emotion within me that I was all but convinced I had brutally cut out centuries ago in the name of self preservation.
At the glorious age of 30 – something, I thought I was exempt from the rules of the natural need to find a soul mate (whatever that really means ) and enjoy life as I saw fit. I refused advances from various men and I had even got to a point where I was so far into my own bubble of warped judgement that should a man decide I was worth flirting with I had allowed myself to be so deep into my own world that I couldn’t even tell if men even considered me worth a second or third glance. Of course this was pointed out to me on many occasions by my mum and friends but I kept my cool exterior and remained true to the belief that I did not need a man in my to feel complete. I was the Ice Queen and proud of it. Little did I know that it was about to falter.
My quick emotional demise began back in Belfast when a short weekend trip to see The Script turned into an all out emotional battle within myself.
It was a good weekend by all means, with an added bonus of actually meeting The Script in person. They were nice and polite but time was limited due to them about to perform on stage. But the opportunity was a gift and myself and Jo-Ann were glad of it. But Jo-Ann was clearly missing her husband Stephen. Throughout our trip she mentioned him on every possible occasion to anyone that had ears! It was cute and I could see that she just wanted people to know that she was happily married to a wonderful man waiting for her back in Scotland. But deep down, way deep down, locked away in a cellar of anguish and need, stirred a ghost that I had all but put to rest.
The weekend was good and I was grateful for her company. But when we got home, the ghosts of despair had broken free of their emotional shackles and were making their way back into my system where they would attack my head and if they were successful, my swinging brick.
I pondered over what was going on and I tried to no evail to quash down the parts of me that I shamed.
Imagine having not only just resigned yourself to the fact that you would always be single but to have installed it into your system like a computer program that was designed by Google itself! Breaking free of your own personal bonds is harder than you may think. I had all but reinvented myself as a cold hearted women but should the need arise, I could still offer comfort to those in need as well as words of wisdom.
I took great pleasure in the fact that in my line of work, I was the go-to-girl when people needed advice or comfort whether it be friend or customer. I excelled in the elation that people would seek me out for alternative remedies to help them. I could offer advice on many a sensitive subject despite my own moral obligation to refrain from entertaining the opposite sex.
By the time I had arrived back to Bonnie Scotland I had allowed myself to “feel”. It was gut wrenching and painful. I had been free of such bonds for many years so to have a rush of reclused feelings come rushing back was indeed a proverbial shock to my system. The gates opened and the floods came with a vengeance.
I recoiled in disgust at myself for allowing it to happen but it had and for now my swinging brick began to drum.
After much deliberation and a few brews while sitting out in the garden I had decided with a few pushes of much needed encouragement to join a dating website I finally succumbed to the pressure which was partly from myself to at least try.
After a very quick night of annoying non potentials trying their utmost to ask me to meet them straight away, I decided to delete said account and say goodbye to online dating. It wasn’t for me.
The following week to my Alcudia holiday saw me in a variety of colourful emotional moods most of which hid the fact that deep down I was beginning to actually allow myself to feel.
The holiday came and I was grateful for the distraction of my own thoughts normally which enveloped me into a world of vampires and book boyfriends.
It was more than I expected and I was relieved to be able to escape from my own bubble for once. But 3 days into my exhilarating holiday I found that a walk along the nightly beach with my two beautiful sons and my mum would open up more hidden depths than Davy Jones Locker!!
The slowing waves caressed the shore while lights glittered in the distance. It was peaceful, alluring and calming, exactly what I was hoping and expecting it to be. Until I saw the first young, happy couple, hand-in-hand walking along the waters edge.
My heart sank and I couldn’t help but feel lost and alone.
For the first time in a very long time, I had unknowingly opened up emotional ranges that I never thought myself capable off.
I debated on wanting what they had. I thought I had it all. Two handsome sons, a close knit family, close friends and a creative mind that has given me the ample opportunity to put pen to paper and create my own world of supernatural romantic vision. And despite my tentative years of never once acknowledging the need for male interaction, I found myself out of my comfort zone. I sat here in a beautiful country surrounded by the glorious sunshine and crystal clear waters and yet on my mind is the exuxcrutiating need to express my reluctant need for the chance to meet someone. Not just anyone but one that allows my long standing independent self to be part of something true and honest.
I don’t want the world or the moon. If I want that I’ll get it myself, but be by my side and be there for me. Be your own man with your own mind but be part of something that we create.
The art of dating has confused me but I blame myself for this as I have allowed myself to stand out with those laws.
Don’t waste your life believing that you are invincible…. allow yourself to feel.