Reflection, Uncategorized, Writing

Who is your Edward to your Bella?

Sigmund Freud reputedly stated that in all his 30+ years of experience trying to get inside the mind of women, he has failed to answer that age old question “What do women want?”

We want many things Mr Freud but it seems as though women that know exactly what they want are considered to be too intimidating. What would be nice as to have the best of both worlds. As a writer, I know that writing about a male in a book allows you to create him to be anything you want him to be. He can look any way, work as anything and act as anything. Even our fictional characters with supernatural abilities allow us to escape from the harsh reality that real life sucker punches us with.

But I have asked myself when I am writing?: Have i created a character and a world that is too much fantasy and not enough reality?

I write to escape reality and my characters are designed to be attractive and supernatural with prowess and allure. But even other published authors have followed that path. Take the twilight saga for example: For me, after the first one I felt as though it was a false sense of what a realistic relationship is. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I was left feeling as though that kind of relationship can never happen. Bella represents Reality while Edward represents Fantasy and they have become as one in the books and movies, but can that ever be achieved?

look at yourself from Bella’s view then put your fantasy person in Edwards place and ask yourself if it will ever happen. As much as the story painted a wonderful picture of being so in love with someone that you almost merge together, is it actually a true sense of what you can have in a relationship?

From a writing point of view, these types of characters are highly sought after. we all want that sexy, hot, rich vampire that lures us into his embrace with his unadulterated need and blood-lust. But who in reality fits that bill?

My Edward is famous and I guess you could say that even though he is single, he is still unavailable to me. Our social circles do not mix in any way so it highly unlikely that I will ever get the chance to meet him let alone be his Bella.

He will never be my Edward, and I will never be his Bella, so am I living a sad existence to have this crush? Should I be focusing on trying to achieve a more realistic goal then lusting after a guy that I cannot ever hope to meet?

Has “Book Boyfriends” and “Movie Boyfriends” left an image of an unrealistic relationship? Do our celebrity crushes come under this category too? Is it possible to merge your fantasy relationship into your reality world?

It would be nice to think that we could all meet our fantasy men and have something with them, but if not, what is left? If fantasy man is not available, then does that mean you are settling for second best with reality?

I for one enjoy my little celeb crush as it makes me feel  like a teenager again and yeah, I guess the thought of meeting him does sound appealing. But I know that he is fantasy and I am reality and this is not a scene from Twilight (despite how much I wished it was).

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Life, love, Reflection, relationships

Has the field of relationships devolved?

It has long been debated whether or not being or not being, in a relationship is considered part of our human nature, but take a look around and ask yourself what it is you have expected from your partner and if you got what you bargained for.

I touched on this subject with a few friends and we laughed about what we look for in potential partners and what you end up actually getting. We all have a rough idea of what we like and want, and some may even have a specific visual preference. But have you signed up for what you wanted?

it isn’t fair to put everyone in the same box and brandish people based on prior experiences, but has society become a place where it more achievable to get that fantasy relationship than your average, normal guy/girl that fits into your life and offers a life of normal, everyday happiness etc?

I for one have never expected a knight in shining armour to come along and sweep me off my feet. But it seems it is more likely to bag your yourself one of them than to get an honest guy nowadays. The same goes for the opposite sex.

Is it asking so much to be an independent woman, that just expects a man to be honest, straight talking and no game playing? These are surely not classed as huge efforts to expect from the opposite sex, are they?

I am not interested in mind games of any kind. I have my own things in life that I like to do and I think its only fair that the guy does his own things as well. But it seems that these traits are few and far between.

What is classed as too much when ticking boxes on potential dates? Yes there will be people that are influenced by money or lust or other materialistic things, but what about personality?

Am I the only one that doesn’t want a guy to text me every day and be in constant contact? For me, it can get over-bearing, but for some, they might like being hounded every minute of the day. But is that not just a insecure personality that feels that they need to know your every waking move??

Is “normal” the new “unobtainable”?

Does trust exist anymore? Does independence scare you off? Can you handle a secure, confident person that knows what they want? Why do people dance around issues and situations rather than talking about it and sorting it out?

Men and women all over the world ask these questions and those that don’t, are they the ones left in an unhappy relationship or worse, single and alone but in need of comfort and still seeking?

I guess for me, I would like a man that knows what he wants and goes for it. He doesn’t feel the need to monitor my every waking move and allows me the same independence that he has but still enjoys being part of a couple in a committed relationship. This is where trust comes into it as well as their own insecurities if they have any. Saying that, I do not date because so far these qualities that I think are small in comparison to what others might ask for, seem to be seriously lacking in the male sector lately. Going into any new relationship means you need to have the initial aspect of trust and the rest you learn along the way with each other. But are the qualities that I think are part of the attraction I see in a guy, asking too much?

Yes I have a type that I find appealing to my eye, but once you get past that, you have to factor in whether or not they have a nice personality and a nice attitude towards themselves and life.

But is it wrong to know what you want? Do we settle for second best because we are too afraid to speak up for what we want?

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Reflection, Uncategorized, Writing

Who is your Edward to your Bella?

Sigmund Freud reputedly stated that in all his 30+ years of experience trying to get inside the mind of women, he has failed to answer that age old question “What do women want?”

We want many things Mr Freud but it seems as though women that know exactly what they want are considered to be too intimidating. What would be nice as to have the best of both worlds. As a writer, I know that writing about a male in a book allows you to create him to be anything you want him to be. He can look any way, work as anything and act as anything. Even our fictional characters with supernatural abilities allow us to escape from the harsh reality that real life sucker punches us with.

But I have asked myself when I am writing?: Have i created a character and a world that is too much fantasy and not enough reality?

I write to escape reality and my characters are designed to be attractive and supernatural with prowess and allure. But even other published authors have followed that path. Take the twilight saga for example: For me, after the first one I felt as though it was a false sense of what a realistic relationship is. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I was left feeling as though that kind of relationship can never happen. Bella represents Reality while Edward represents Fantasy and they have become as one in the books and movies, but can that ever be achieved?

look at yourself from Bella’s view then put your fantasy person in Edwards place and ask yourself if it will ever happen. As much as the story painted a wonderful picture of being so in love with someone that you almost merge together, is it actually a true sense of what you can have in a relationship?

From a writing point of view, these types of characters are highly sought after. we all want that sexy, hot, rich vampire that lures us into his embrace with his unadulterated need and blood-lust. But who in reality fits that bill?

My Edward is famous and I guess you could say that even though he is single, he is still unavailable to me. Our social circles do not mix in any way so it highly unlikely that I will ever get the chance to meet him let alone be his Bella.

He will never be my Edward, and I will never be his Bella, so am I living a sad existence to have this crush? Should I be focusing on trying to achieve a more realistic goal then lusting after a guy that I cannot ever hope to meet?

Has “Book Boyfriends” and “Movie Boyfriends” left an image of an unrealistic relationship? Do our celebrity crushes come under this category too? Is it possible to merge your fantasy relationship into your reality world?

It would be nice to think that we could all meet our fantasy men and have something with them, but if not, what is left? If fantasy man is not available, then does that mean you are settling for second best with reality?

I for one enjoy my little celeb crush as it makes me feel  like a teenager again and yeah, I guess the thought of meeting him does sound appealing. But I know that he is fantasy and I am reality and this is not a scene from Twilight (despite how much I wished it was).

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Poetry, Reflection, Writing

Decaying dreams

You mentally torment the life I once had,

My internal system struggles between good and bad.

You covet my dreams to manipulate my fears,

I wake up shaken in a midst of constant tears,

The end is in sight but never near by,

No matter how hard I push or how hard I try.

The pain never leaves, only gains in control,

My existence is fading from the life that you stole.

I am broken beyond the point of repair,

This shell of a life is lying bound and bare.

Why did you seek me out?

Why hunt me down from the beginning and throughout?

You came for me to be a pawn in your game,

Instead you see me as our own personal shame.

I begged you to let me go, to let me be free,

But my life was yours, only mine for a fee.

But the price you ask I cannot give,

You demand too much for me to forgive.

You took my life, my heart and soul,

In replace for death, emptiness and control.

The blackness echoes from the sounds of screams,

But those that dwell in wait are creeping in my dreams.

Is it asking too much for a short reprieve?

Just a small chance to see and breathe.

My world is an endless torment of broken wishes and decaying dreams,

I have been ripped apart and torn at life’s seams.

I see no way other than yours,

You constantly ignore my ghostly implores.

The simple pleasures of life were refused,

You found your target, hunted me and pursued.

I have nothing left of anything I own,

From the hair on my head to deep under my skin to the bone.

I wait in vain for a slither of peace,

To close my eyes and the pain to cease.

The end is not near or even in sight,

I have nothing left, no more need to fight.

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Poetry, Reflection, Writing

Decaying dreams

You mentally torment the life I once had,

My internal system struggles between good and bad.

You covet my dreams to manipulate my fears,

I wake up shaken in a midst of constant tears,

The end is in sight but never near by,

No matter how hard I push or how hard I try.

The pain never leaves, only gains in control,

My existence is fading from the life that you stole.

I am broken beyond the point of repair,

This shell of a life is lying bound and bare.

Why did you seek me out?

Why hunt me down from the beginning and throughout?

You came for me to be a pawn in your game,

Instead you see me as our own personal shame.

I begged you to let me go, to let me be free,

But my life was yours, only mine for a fee.

But the price you ask I cannot give,

You demand too much for me to forgive.

You took my life, my heart and soul,

In replace for death, emptiness and control.

The blackness echoes from the sounds of screams,

But those that dwell in wait are creeping in my dreams.

Is it asking too much for a short reprieve?

Just a small chance to see and breathe.

My world is an endless torment of broken wishes and decaying dreams,

I have been ripped apart and torn at life’s seams.

I see no way other than yours,

You constantly ignore my ghostly implores.

The simple pleasures of life were refused,

You found your target, hunted me and pursued.

I have nothing left of anything I own,

From the hair on my head to deep under my skin to the bone.

I wait in vain for a slither of peace,

To close my eyes and the pain to cease.

The end is not near or even in sight,

I have nothing left, no more need to fight.

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Challenges, Life, love, Music, Plans, Reflection, relationships, The Script

Contemplating the art of dating.

In the past 12 years I have only dated twice. Both of which resulted in two wonderful additions to my family and in the same breath, both disastrous relationships that were over before they had even begun – such as life. For the past 5 years give or take a few months, I have remained elusive within the dating field.

In the beginning I guess you could blame a series of misfortunate events that at the time were beyond my control but I think I grew accustomed to my cool and shrewd belief that I could quite happily go through the rest of my life without the bother of yet another lying toerag to drag me into the dark abyss.

I have been told by many a family and friend that I have a “swinging brick for a heart” and I would always reply with a cheeky smile and a hearty “thank you ” as I relished in the fact that I prided myself on my cold exterior. I felt invisible, wrapped up in my own little bubble, fully reinforced with years of hatred towards any male within a 250 mile radius.

It was my way of coping and it served me well over the years but little did I know that a short trip to Belfast to see The Script and a supposed relaxing holiday in Alcudia would awaken an emotion within me that I was all but convinced I had brutally cut out centuries ago in the name of self preservation.

At the glorious age of 30 – something, I thought I was exempt from the rules of the natural need to find a soul mate (whatever that really means ) and enjoy life as I saw fit. I refused advances from various men and I had even got to a point where I was so far into my own bubble of warped judgement that should a man decide I was worth flirting with I had allowed myself to be so deep into my own world that I couldn’t even tell if men even considered me worth a second or third glance. Of course this was pointed out to me on many occasions by my mum and friends but I kept my cool exterior and remained true to the belief that I did not need a man in my to feel complete. I was the Ice Queen and proud of it. Little did I know that it was about to falter.

My quick emotional demise began back in Belfast when a short weekend trip to see The Script turned into an all out emotional battle within myself.

It was a good weekend by all means, with an added bonus of actually meeting The Script in person. They were nice and polite but time was limited due to them about to perform on stage. But the opportunity was a gift and myself and Jo-Ann were glad of it. But Jo-Ann was clearly missing her husband Stephen. Throughout our trip she mentioned him on every possible occasion to anyone that had ears! It was cute and I could see that she just wanted people to know that she was happily married to a wonderful man waiting for her back in Scotland. But deep down, way deep down, locked away in a cellar of anguish and need, stirred a ghost that I had all but put to rest.

The weekend was good and I was grateful for her company. But when we got home, the ghosts of despair had broken free of their emotional shackles and were making their way back into my system where they would attack my head and if they were successful, my swinging brick.

I pondered over what was going on and I tried to no evail to quash down the parts of me that I shamed.

Imagine having not only just resigned yourself to the fact that you would always be single but to have installed it into your system like a computer program that was designed by Google itself! Breaking free of your own personal bonds is harder than you may think. I had all but reinvented myself as a cold hearted women but should the need arise, I could still offer comfort to those in need as well as words of wisdom.

I took great pleasure in the fact that in my line of work, I was the go-to-girl when people needed advice or comfort whether it be friend or customer. I excelled in the elation that people would seek me out for alternative remedies to help them. I could offer advice on many a sensitive subject despite my own moral obligation to refrain from entertaining the opposite sex.

By the time I had arrived back to Bonnie Scotland I had allowed myself to “feel”. It was gut wrenching and painful. I had been free of such bonds for many years so to have a rush of reclused feelings come rushing back was indeed a proverbial shock to my system. The gates opened and the floods came with a vengeance.

I recoiled in disgust at myself for allowing it to happen but it had and for now my swinging brick began to drum.

After much deliberation and a few brews while sitting out in the garden I had decided with a few pushes of much needed encouragement to join a dating website I finally succumbed to the pressure which was partly from myself to at least try.

After a very quick night of annoying non potentials trying their utmost to ask me to meet them straight away, I decided to delete said account and say goodbye to online dating. It wasn’t for me.

The following week to my Alcudia holiday saw me in a variety of colourful emotional moods most of which hid the fact that deep down I was beginning to actually allow myself to feel.

The holiday came and I was grateful for the distraction of my own thoughts normally which enveloped me into a world of vampires and book boyfriends.

It was more than I expected and I was relieved to be able to escape from my own bubble for once. But 3 days into my exhilarating holiday I found that a walk along the nightly beach with my two beautiful sons and my mum would open up more hidden depths than Davy Jones Locker!!

The slowing waves caressed the shore while lights glittered in the distance. It was peaceful, alluring and calming, exactly what I was hoping and expecting it to be. Until I saw the first young, happy couple, hand-in-hand walking along the waters edge.

My heart sank and I couldn’t help but feel lost and alone.

For the first time in a very long time, I had unknowingly opened up emotional ranges that I never thought myself capable off.

I debated on wanting what they had. I thought I had it all. Two handsome sons, a close knit family, close friends and a creative mind that has given me the ample opportunity to put pen to paper and create my own world of supernatural romantic vision. And despite my tentative years of never once acknowledging the need for male interaction, I found myself out of my comfort zone. I sat here in a beautiful country surrounded by the glorious sunshine and crystal clear waters and yet on my mind is the exuxcrutiating need to express my reluctant need for the chance to meet someone. Not just anyone but one that allows my long standing independent self to be part of something true and honest.

I don’t want the world or the moon. If I want that I’ll get it myself, but be by my side and be there for me. Be your own man with your own mind but be part of something that we create.

The art of dating has confused me but I blame myself for this as I have allowed myself to stand out with those laws.

Don’t waste your life believing that you are invincible…. allow yourself to feel.

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Reflection, Uncategorized, Writing

Who is your Edward to your Bella?

Sigmund Freud reputedly stated that in all his 30+ years of experience trying to get inside the mind of women, he has failed to answer that age old question “What do women want?”

We want many things Mr Freud but it seems as though women that know exactly what they want are considered to be too intimidating. What would be nice as to have the best of both worlds. As a writer, I know that writing about a male in a book allows you to create him to be anything you want him to be. He can look any way, work as anything and act as anything. Even our fictional characters with supernatural abilities allow us to escape from the harsh reality that real life sucker punches us with.

But I have asked myself when I am writing?: Have i created a character and a world that is too much fantasy and not enough reality?

I write to escape reality and my characters are designed to be attractive and supernatural with prowess and allure. But even other published authors have followed that path. Take the twilight saga for example: For me, after the first one I felt as though it was a false sense of what a realistic relationship is. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I was left feeling as though that kind of relationship can never happen. Bella represents Reality while Edward represents Fantasy and they have become as one in the books and movies, but can that ever be achieved?

look at yourself from Bella’s view then put your fantasy person in Edwards place and ask yourself if it will ever happen. As much as the story painted a wonderful picture of being so in love with someone that you almost merge together, is it actually a true sense of what you can have in a relationship?

From a writing point of view, these types of characters are highly sought after. we all want that sexy, hot, rich vampire that lures us into his embrace with his unadulterated need and blood-lust. But who in reality fits that bill?

My Edward is famous and I guess you could say that even though he is single, he is still unavailable to me. Our social circles do not mix in any way so it highly unlikely that I will ever get the chance to meet him let alone be his Bella.

He will never be my Edward, and I will never be his Bella, so am I living a sad existence to have this crush? Should I be focusing on trying to achieve a more realistic goal then lusting after a guy that I cannot ever hope to meet?

Has “Book Boyfriends” and “Movie Boyfriends” left an image of an unrealistic relationship? Do our celebrity crushes come under this category too? Is it possible to merge your fantasy relationship into your reality world?

It would be nice to think that we could all meet our fantasy men and have something with them, but if not, what is left? If fantasy man is not available, then does that mean you are settling for second best with reality?

I for one enjoy my little celeb crush as it makes me feel  like a teenager again and yeah, I guess the thought of meeting him does sound appealing. But I know that he is fantasy and I am reality and this is not a scene from Twilight (despite how much I wished it was).

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