Poetry

Broken

Darkness descending, The morning light ending.

Deep black clouds looming over, no point in screaming, no need to bother.

Nobody there to hear my cries, Nobody to wipe away tears from my soulless eyes.

Drop after drop of bitter cold rain, Falls down my face, twisted with pain.

Deafening silence all around, My shell of existence, broken and bound.

Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken, The demon inside me stirs, desperate to be awoken.

The heavy clouds too thick to see the moon, Closer and closer they get, sealing me in my tomb.

Pieces of red glass lay shattered on the ground, Like a jigsaw puzzle of my heart, waiting to be found.

Torn and twisted laying on the floor, Watching and waiting, but nothing comes through the door.

Total blackness envelopes my skin, The Reaper is coming, I know it’s him.

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Poetry

Silenced by Light, Awakened by Night

Cold droplets of rain fall on the dusty marble floor,

Rust and endless time have fused the hinges on the old iron door.

Decaying cracks in the roof tease me with the world outside,

Locked away in my eternal sanctuary, this is where i hide.

Cobwebs and spiders decorate the corners of my tomb,

Just me and my shadow living in this lonely damp room.

Through the cracks in the walls i watch people come and people go,

I see all the seasons, from the spring sun to the winter snow.

But watching and waiting is all i can do,

Time moves much slower for me than it does for you.

Silenced by light,

Awakened by night.

We all end up here, the good and the bad,

We all move on from the life we once had.

But it isn’t as simple as being black and white,

There are things in both our worlds that tend to bite.

But choose your path wisely as the light is not always the good,

There is much to consider not just what you want and what you should.

Even if you choose to lie buried in the ground,

Make no mistake, you will be found.

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Life, love, Reflection, relationships

Has the field of relationships devolved?

It has long been debated whether or not being or not being, in a relationship is considered part of our human nature, but take a look around and ask yourself what it is you have expected from your partner and if you got what you bargained for.

I touched on this subject with a few friends and we laughed about what we look for in potential partners and what you end up actually getting. We all have a rough idea of what we like and want, and some may even have a specific visual preference. But have you signed up for what you wanted?

it isn’t fair to put everyone in the same box and brandish people based on prior experiences, but has society become a place where it more achievable to get that fantasy relationship than your average, normal guy/girl that fits into your life and offers a life of normal, everyday happiness etc?

I for one have never expected a knight in shining armour to come along and sweep me off my feet. But it seems it is more likely to bag your yourself one of them than to get an honest guy nowadays. The same goes for the opposite sex.

Is it asking so much to be an independent woman, that just expects a man to be honest, straight talking and no game playing? These are surely not classed as huge efforts to expect from the opposite sex, are they?

I am not interested in mind games of any kind. I have my own things in life that I like to do and I think its only fair that the guy does his own things as well. But it seems that these traits are few and far between.

What is classed as too much when ticking boxes on potential dates? Yes there will be people that are influenced by money or lust or other materialistic things, but what about personality?

Am I the only one that doesn’t want a guy to text me every day and be in constant contact? For me, it can get over-bearing, but for some, they might like being hounded every minute of the day. But is that not just a insecure personality that feels that they need to know your every waking move??

Is “normal” the new “unobtainable”?

Does trust exist anymore? Does independence scare you off? Can you handle a secure, confident person that knows what they want? Why do people dance around issues and situations rather than talking about it and sorting it out?

Men and women all over the world ask these questions and those that don’t, are they the ones left in an unhappy relationship or worse, single and alone but in need of comfort and still seeking?

I guess for me, I would like a man that knows what he wants and goes for it. He doesn’t feel the need to monitor my every waking move and allows me the same independence that he has but still enjoys being part of a couple in a committed relationship. This is where trust comes into it as well as their own insecurities if they have any. Saying that, I do not date because so far these qualities that I think are small in comparison to what others might ask for, seem to be seriously lacking in the male sector lately. Going into any new relationship means you need to have the initial aspect of trust and the rest you learn along the way with each other. But are the qualities that I think are part of the attraction I see in a guy, asking too much?

Yes I have a type that I find appealing to my eye, but once you get past that, you have to factor in whether or not they have a nice personality and a nice attitude towards themselves and life.

But is it wrong to know what you want? Do we settle for second best because we are too afraid to speak up for what we want?

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Reflection, Uncategorized, Writing

Who is your Edward to your Bella?

Sigmund Freud reputedly stated that in all his 30+ years of experience trying to get inside the mind of women, he has failed to answer that age old question “What do women want?”

We want many things Mr Freud but it seems as though women that know exactly what they want are considered to be too intimidating. What would be nice as to have the best of both worlds. As a writer, I know that writing about a male in a book allows you to create him to be anything you want him to be. He can look any way, work as anything and act as anything. Even our fictional characters with supernatural abilities allow us to escape from the harsh reality that real life sucker punches us with.

But I have asked myself when I am writing?: Have i created a character and a world that is too much fantasy and not enough reality?

I write to escape reality and my characters are designed to be attractive and supernatural with prowess and allure. But even other published authors have followed that path. Take the twilight saga for example: For me, after the first one I felt as though it was a false sense of what a realistic relationship is. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I was left feeling as though that kind of relationship can never happen. Bella represents Reality while Edward represents Fantasy and they have become as one in the books and movies, but can that ever be achieved?

look at yourself from Bella’s view then put your fantasy person in Edwards place and ask yourself if it will ever happen. As much as the story painted a wonderful picture of being so in love with someone that you almost merge together, is it actually a true sense of what you can have in a relationship?

From a writing point of view, these types of characters are highly sought after. we all want that sexy, hot, rich vampire that lures us into his embrace with his unadulterated need and blood-lust. But who in reality fits that bill?

My Edward is famous and I guess you could say that even though he is single, he is still unavailable to me. Our social circles do not mix in any way so it highly unlikely that I will ever get the chance to meet him let alone be his Bella.

He will never be my Edward, and I will never be his Bella, so am I living a sad existence to have this crush? Should I be focusing on trying to achieve a more realistic goal then lusting after a guy that I cannot ever hope to meet?

Has “Book Boyfriends” and “Movie Boyfriends” left an image of an unrealistic relationship? Do our celebrity crushes come under this category too? Is it possible to merge your fantasy relationship into your reality world?

It would be nice to think that we could all meet our fantasy men and have something with them, but if not, what is left? If fantasy man is not available, then does that mean you are settling for second best with reality?

I for one enjoy my little celeb crush as it makes me feel  like a teenager again and yeah, I guess the thought of meeting him does sound appealing. But I know that he is fantasy and I am reality and this is not a scene from Twilight (despite how much I wished it was).

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Poetry, Reflection, Writing

Decaying dreams

You mentally torment the life I once had,

My internal system struggles between good and bad.

You covet my dreams to manipulate my fears,

I wake up shaken in a midst of constant tears,

The end is in sight but never near by,

No matter how hard I push or how hard I try.

The pain never leaves, only gains in control,

My existence is fading from the life that you stole.

I am broken beyond the point of repair,

This shell of a life is lying bound and bare.

Why did you seek me out?

Why hunt me down from the beginning and throughout?

You came for me to be a pawn in your game,

Instead you see me as our own personal shame.

I begged you to let me go, to let me be free,

But my life was yours, only mine for a fee.

But the price you ask I cannot give,

You demand too much for me to forgive.

You took my life, my heart and soul,

In replace for death, emptiness and control.

The blackness echoes from the sounds of screams,

But those that dwell in wait are creeping in my dreams.

Is it asking too much for a short reprieve?

Just a small chance to see and breathe.

My world is an endless torment of broken wishes and decaying dreams,

I have been ripped apart and torn at life’s seams.

I see no way other than yours,

You constantly ignore my ghostly implores.

The simple pleasures of life were refused,

You found your target, hunted me and pursued.

I have nothing left of anything I own,

From the hair on my head to deep under my skin to the bone.

I wait in vain for a slither of peace,

To close my eyes and the pain to cease.

The end is not near or even in sight,

I have nothing left, no more need to fight.

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Books, Fiction, Life, love, Plans, relationships

Real life Bridget Jones

What started off as a rare lapse in time where I am released of my bonds to indulge in some adult company with my cousin, where we enjoyed good food courtesy of Frankie and Benny’s, followed by the much sought-after Bridget Jones’s Baby; ended in the rudely, abrupt and frank realization that I am possibly a real life Bridget Jones!

While this may not have come as a surprise to my cousin; whom did her best not to all but crown me queen of the spinsters,  it did however come as a shock to my self-appointed “queen-of-independence-and-needs-no-man-to-be-happy” ego.

For the better part of over 12 years, I have worn the crown of independent single mother of two with great self-pride. I mentally blessed the freedom I have when I witness a quarreling couple out doing shopping. I regarded my situation to be uniquely satisfying, that I could do as I please without having to consider the needs of a man ( with the exception of my two sons ).

But of an age where I am now on the meaner side of the 30+ years, I seem to be an almost mirror image of the Bridget Jones character, with slight over-exaggeration.

The aptly named song “All by my self” could very well be my own theme tune, forever to play as my constant background music in my life story. Although to give Bridget Jones credit, she did have the affections of two handsome men vying for her attention. I have that too, but on a less romantic scale and more along a nurturing scale!

I have shared her loathe of colleagues and embarrassing moments that will haunt our sub-conscience minds for eternity. I’ve shared her pity parties for one, during annual holiday celebrations where everyone around the world is enjoying the festivities except me. I have sat writing nonsense in diary after diary that has never had any form of consistency, yet could make for a best-selling read. Those times are the lonely ones, but only our half-assed attempt at a diary; will ever know the truth within. Myself and Bridget put on a bravado of couldn’t-fucking-care-less attitude that serves as our force-field and emotional stabilizer. But within those few and far between penned pages lie words that have never been spoken and wishes that will never see the light of day!  For deep within, (way deep within) grained in years of ink, blood, sweat and tears, lies the script of how it is to be a real life Bridget Jones. We are many,  we are all around and we could be surrounded by a 100 friends, but still feel that pang of loneliness at times. But then we begin pondering on whether or not we want to find that missing someone,  or if being the oldest spinster in town is actually a delicacy.

I have friends that will tell you that they think I should settle down, and  have repeatedly tried to convince me to date, but to no avail. The stubborn, independent  voice in my head quickly reminds me that past relationships have been disastrous and have failed to even conjure up a wisp of feelings for the other parties involved. Obviously in the actual Bridget Jones movies, she is reliant on the affections of men and constantly seeks their approval. She seeks commitment and love, but has a long-standing date with denial when it comes to aspects of the heart. I am as far from this is as i can possibly get, but i can’t help sympathize with her cause.

Yes I am single and i came about this part in my life through making the choice to be single, but there are aspects of social appearance and perception that suggests that it is still almost alien to be this way.

I would like to go on record and state that i do hold partial blame on the writers of the world, whether they be script writers or novelists, they lure us into a world of fantasy and romance leaving us wanting to be a part of the book or movie.

I have fallen trap to my own writings too. My own book, Misty Hollow – Shadow Walker Series includes a character that many would class as the mythical “book boyfriend”! The Lord of Vampires, Nikolai is the tall, dark-haired, all-powerful vampire that has women falling at his feet begging for even a second look. I gave the character the ability to be wanted by readers. I wrote my book based on my own dreams and imagination. I gave characters life based on what i wanted and what i thought others would want. Writing gave me an escape from reality and allowed me to be part of a world full of endless possibilities.

With more and more people turning to fiction, i created a place for them to escape too. A place full of people that they could see themselves in and people that they would lust after. That is the good thing about books, they open up worlds galore and introduce us to the key to other people’s imaginations.

But it’s within the pages of John Keats and Charlotte Bronte books, we find ourselves lusting after men that just don’t exist in real life. And that’s partly why we read, so we can read about powerful men in suits that woo us with gifts and all they want in return is the pleasure of our bodies. I mean, who doesn’t find that appealing? But reality doesn’t offer brooding vampires with supernatural abilities that make it hard for us to resist their prowess. Christian Grey is not going to offer us a steamy weekend away and John Wick is not going to avenge us at the same time as taking out an entire mafia all because he hurt our dog. No, in reality we don’t get that, but that is what i want. That is why i chose to remain single.

I have never come across anyone in life that could pass as a potential “book boyfriend” or even close to it. In real life, i have only come across over enthusiastic males that think declaring their undying affections after two minutes is what i want to hear. Or men that need constant attention and hate to be ignored for more than five minutes in day.

To me, that is not acceptable, it is not what i want. But is what i want, really what i want? I have asked myself this question many times, and the answer is usually the same. But liking a certain type of male doesn’t necessarily mean that i would be open to making myself available for such types.

I have avoided dating because of past experiences, and yes, i am aware that not everyone is the same. But for the most part, meeting someone and being part of a”couple” just sounds so mundane and restrictive to me. And let me just briefly touch on the issue that, age is a factor. It factors in when you are older and that your standards come in to play now. It is no longer an easy task to walk into a pub or nightclub with friends, flirt with someone and confidently leave with their contacts details. The thought of even trying this concept, is enough to make me bury my head in the entire works of the Bronte family novels and only come out for a caffeine fix.

Is 30+ too old to look for potential relationships?  For me, i only question my decision  after watching a romance movie that has been successful enough to leave me pondering my choice, after reading a new book that has left me feel void of everything within its pages that normal people want on a daily basis. It usually only lasts for a few days then i quickly return to being the happy singleton who has a great family unit around me and some great close friends as well as perusing my passion for writing that i enjoy.

So, to round-up, i enjoy being single. I enjoy only having to concentrate on my children and myself. Has my past experiences forever tainted the way i think of men and relationships? Possibly, but will it prevent me from being the best version of me i can be, hell no! Life goes on whether you are single or not. Will i have a future lapse in my choice? Probably, but only because script writers do the same job as writers do. They create a place of fantasy that sells it to us all.

 

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Books, Fiction, Life, love, Plans, relationships

Real life Bridget Jones

What started off as a rare lapse in time where I am released of my bonds to indulge in some adult company with my cousin, where we enjoyed good food courtesy of Frankie and Benny’s, followed by the much sought-after Bridget Jones’s Baby; ended in the rudely, abrupt and frank realization that I am possibly a real life Bridget Jones!

While this may not have come as a surprise to my cousin; whom did her best not to all but crown me queen of the spinsters,  it did however come as a shock to my self-appointed “queen-of-independence-and-needs-no-man-to-be-happy” ego.

For the better part of over 12 years, I have worn the crown of independent single mother of two with great self-pride. I mentally blessed the freedom I have when I witness a quarreling couple out doing shopping. I regarded my situation to be uniquely satisfying, that I could do as I please without having to consider the needs of a man ( with the exception of my two sons ).

But of an age where I am now on the meaner side of the 30+ years, I seem to be an almost mirror image of the Bridget Jones character, with slight over-exaggeration.

The aptly named song “All by my self” could very well be my own theme tune, forever to play as my constant background music in my life story. Although to give Bridget Jones credit, she did have the affections of two handsome men vying for her attention. I have that too, but on a less romantic scale and more along a nurturing scale!

I have shared her loathe of colleagues and embarrassing moments that will haunt our sub-conscience minds for eternity. I’ve shared her pity parties for one, during annual holiday celebrations where everyone around the world is enjoying the festivities except me. I have sat writing nonsense in diary after diary that has never had any form of consistency, yet could make for a best-selling read. Those times are the lonely ones, but only our half-assed attempt at a diary; will ever know the truth within. Myself and Bridget put on a bravado of couldn’t-fucking-care-less attitude that serves as our force-field and emotional stabilizer. But within those few and far between penned pages lie words that have never been spoken and wishes that will never see the light of day!  For deep within, (way deep within) grained in years of ink, blood, sweat and tears, lies the script of how it is to be a real life Bridget Jones. We are many,  we are all around and we could be surrounded by a 100 friends, but still feel that pang of loneliness at times. But then we begin pondering on whether or not we want to find that missing someone,  or if being the oldest spinster in town is actually a delicacy.

I have friends that will tell you that they think I should settle down, and  have repeatedly tried to convince me to date, but to no avail. The stubborn, independent  voice in my head quickly reminds me that past relationships have been disastrous and have failed to even conjure up a wisp of feelings for the other parties involved. Obviously in the actual Bridget Jones movies, she is reliant on the affections of men and constantly seeks their approval. She seeks commitment and love, but has a long-standing date with denial when it comes to aspects of the heart. I am as far from this is as i can possibly get, but i can’t help sympathize with her cause.

Yes I am single and i came about this part in my life through making the choice to be single, but there are aspects of social appearance and perception that suggests that it is still almost alien to be this way.

I would like to go on record and state that i do hold partial blame on the writers of the world, whether they be script writers or novelists, they lure us into a world of fantasy and romance leaving us wanting to be a part of the book or movie.

I have fallen trap to my own writings too. My own book, Misty Hollow – Shadow Walker Series includes a character that many would class as the mythical “book boyfriend”! The Lord of Vampires, Nikolai is the tall, dark-haired, all-powerful vampire that has women falling at his feet begging for even a second look. I gave the character the ability to be wanted by readers. I wrote my book based on my own dreams and imagination. I gave characters life based on what i wanted and what i thought others would want. Writing gave me an escape from reality and allowed me to be part of a world full of endless possibilities.

With more and more people turning to fiction, i created a place for them to escape too. A place full of people that they could see themselves in and people that they would lust after. That is the good thing about books, they open up worlds galore and introduce us to the key to other people’s imaginations.

But it’s within the pages of John Keats and Charlotte Bronte books, we find ourselves lusting after men that just don’t exist in real life. And that’s partly why we read, so we can read about powerful men in suits that woo us with gifts and all they want in return is the pleasure of our bodies. I mean, who doesn’t find that appealing? But reality doesn’t offer brooding vampires with supernatural abilities that make it hard for us to resist their prowess. Christian Grey is not going to offer us a steamy weekend away and John Wick is not going to avenge us at the same time as taking out an entire mafia all because he hurt our dog. No, in reality we don’t get that, but that is what i want. That is why i chose to remain single.

I have never come across anyone in life that could pass as a potential “book boyfriend” or even close to it. In real life, i have only come across over enthusiastic males that think declaring their undying affections after two minutes is what i want to hear. Or men that need constant attention and hate to be ignored for more than five minutes in day.

To me, that is not acceptable, it is not what i want. But is what i want, really what i want? I have asked myself this question many times, and the answer is usually the same. But liking a certain type of male doesn’t necessarily mean that i would be open to making myself available for such types.

I have avoided dating because of past experiences, and yes, i am aware that not everyone is the same. But for the most part, meeting someone and being part of a”couple” just sounds so mundane and restrictive to me. And let me just briefly touch on the issue that, age is a factor. It factors in when you are older and that your standards come in to play now. It is no longer an easy task to walk into a pub or nightclub with friends, flirt with someone and confidently leave with their contacts details. The thought of even trying this concept, is enough to make me bury my head in the entire works of the Bronte family novels and only come out for a caffeine fix.

Is 30+ too old to look for potential relationships?  For me, i only question my decision  after watching a romance movie that has been successful enough to leave me pondering my choice, after reading a new book that has left me feel void of everything within its pages that normal people want on a daily basis. It usually only lasts for a few days then i quickly return to being the happy singleton who has a great family unit around me and some great close friends as well as perusing my passion for writing that i enjoy.

So, to round-up, i enjoy being single. I enjoy only having to concentrate on my children and myself. Has my past experiences forever tainted the way i think of men and relationships? Possibly, but will it prevent me from being the best version of me i can be, hell no! Life goes on whether you are single or not. Will i have a future lapse in my choice? Probably, but only because script writers do the same job as writers do. They create a place of fantasy that sells it to us all.

 

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