What started off as a rare lapse in time where I am released of my bonds to indulge in some adult company with my cousin, where we enjoyed good food courtesy of Frankie and Benny’s, followed by the much sought-after Bridget Jones’s Baby; ended in the rudely, abrupt and frank realization that I am possibly a real life Bridget Jones!
While this may not have come as a surprise to my cousin; whom did her best not to all but crown me queen of the spinsters, it did however come as a shock to my self-appointed “queen-of-independence-and-needs-no-man-to-be-happy” ego.
For the better part of over 12 years, I have worn the crown of independent single mother of two with great self-pride. I mentally blessed the freedom I have when I witness a quarreling couple out doing shopping. I regarded my situation to be uniquely satisfying, that I could do as I please without having to consider the needs of a man ( with the exception of my two sons ).
But of an age where I am now on the meaner side of the 30+ years, I seem to be an almost mirror image of the Bridget Jones character, with slight over-exaggeration.
The aptly named song “All by my self” could very well be my own theme tune, forever to play as my constant background music in my life story. Although to give Bridget Jones credit, she did have the affections of two handsome men vying for her attention. I have that too, but on a less romantic scale and more along a nurturing scale!
I have shared her loathe of colleagues and embarrassing moments that will haunt our sub-conscience minds for eternity. I’ve shared her pity parties for one, during annual holiday celebrations where everyone around the world is enjoying the festivities except me. I have sat writing nonsense in diary after diary that has never had any form of consistency, yet could make for a best-selling read. Those times are the lonely ones, but only our half-assed attempt at a diary; will ever know the truth within. Myself and Bridget put on a bravado of couldn’t-fucking-care-less attitude that serves as our force-field and emotional stabilizer. But within those few and far between penned pages lie words that have never been spoken and wishes that will never see the light of day! For deep within, (way deep within) grained in years of ink, blood, sweat and tears, lies the script of how it is to be a real life Bridget Jones. We are many, we are all around and we could be surrounded by a 100 friends, but still feel that pang of loneliness at times. But then we begin pondering on whether or not we want to find that missing someone, or if being the oldest spinster in town is actually a delicacy.
I have friends that will tell you that they think I should settle down, and have repeatedly tried to convince me to date, but to no avail. The stubborn, independent voice in my head quickly reminds me that past relationships have been disastrous and have failed to even conjure up a wisp of feelings for the other parties involved. Obviously in the actual Bridget Jones movies, she is reliant on the affections of men and constantly seeks their approval. She seeks commitment and love, but has a long-standing date with denial when it comes to aspects of the heart. I am as far from this is as i can possibly get, but i can’t help sympathize with her cause.
Yes I am single and i came about this part in my life through making the choice to be single, but there are aspects of social appearance and perception that suggests that it is still almost alien to be this way.
I would like to go on record and state that i do hold partial blame on the writers of the world, whether they be script writers or novelists, they lure us into a world of fantasy and romance leaving us wanting to be a part of the book or movie.
I have fallen trap to my own writings too. My own book, Misty Hollow – Shadow Walker Series includes a character that many would class as the mythical “book boyfriend”! The Lord of Vampires, Nikolai is the tall, dark-haired, all-powerful vampire that has women falling at his feet begging for even a second look. I gave the character the ability to be wanted by readers. I wrote my book based on my own dreams and imagination. I gave characters life based on what i wanted and what i thought others would want. Writing gave me an escape from reality and allowed me to be part of a world full of endless possibilities.
With more and more people turning to fiction, i created a place for them to escape too. A place full of people that they could see themselves in and people that they would lust after. That is the good thing about books, they open up worlds galore and introduce us to the key to other people’s imaginations.
But it’s within the pages of John Keats and Charlotte Bronte books, we find ourselves lusting after men that just don’t exist in real life. And that’s partly why we read, so we can read about powerful men in suits that woo us with gifts and all they want in return is the pleasure of our bodies. I mean, who doesn’t find that appealing? But reality doesn’t offer brooding vampires with supernatural abilities that make it hard for us to resist their prowess. Christian Grey is not going to offer us a steamy weekend away and John Wick is not going to avenge us at the same time as taking out an entire mafia all because he hurt our dog. No, in reality we don’t get that, but that is what i want. That is why i chose to remain single.
I have never come across anyone in life that could pass as a potential “book boyfriend” or even close to it. In real life, i have only come across over enthusiastic males that think declaring their undying affections after two minutes is what i want to hear. Or men that need constant attention and hate to be ignored for more than five minutes in day.
To me, that is not acceptable, it is not what i want. But is what i want, really what i want? I have asked myself this question many times, and the answer is usually the same. But liking a certain type of male doesn’t necessarily mean that i would be open to making myself available for such types.
I have avoided dating because of past experiences, and yes, i am aware that not everyone is the same. But for the most part, meeting someone and being part of a”couple” just sounds so mundane and restrictive to me. And let me just briefly touch on the issue that, age is a factor. It factors in when you are older and that your standards come in to play now. It is no longer an easy task to walk into a pub or nightclub with friends, flirt with someone and confidently leave with their contacts details. The thought of even trying this concept, is enough to make me bury my head in the entire works of the Bronte family novels and only come out for a caffeine fix.
Is 30+ too old to look for potential relationships? For me, i only question my decision after watching a romance movie that has been successful enough to leave me pondering my choice, after reading a new book that has left me feel void of everything within its pages that normal people want on a daily basis. It usually only lasts for a few days then i quickly return to being the happy singleton who has a great family unit around me and some great close friends as well as perusing my passion for writing that i enjoy.
So, to round-up, i enjoy being single. I enjoy only having to concentrate on my children and myself. Has my past experiences forever tainted the way i think of men and relationships? Possibly, but will it prevent me from being the best version of me i can be, hell no! Life goes on whether you are single or not. Will i have a future lapse in my choice? Probably, but only because script writers do the same job as writers do. They create a place of fantasy that sells it to us all.